I’m devoted to working with my mind and not pushing away my neuroses. I know we can neither resist nor obsess over our thoughts, so I struggle between sitting with” our thoughts vs rumination.
Answer: You may have too much rajas in your body. Rumination is the result of too much rajas. Your thoughts go round and round, spinning and not able to go deeper into the letting go process, rather the ego has a reason for its investments. Rajas is the ego asserting its needs, defending itself, holding on with its attachments. So you keep spinning around the same old thoughts.
Your ability to sit with your thoughts come with the development of sattwic activities. I know you do meditate and you have some spiritual practice, yet this is something we need to keep refining with techniques and more focused attention.
Sattwic activities is action that turns you towards subtler realities. Inquiry into what is under the obvious superficial level is a practice of sattwa. “I have this thought, Hmm I wonder what makes me think this thought is so important? What is the substance that all thoughts are made of? “Inquiry is better than watching at this level. You need to uproot your complacent ways, you need to dig up those false ways of being, stop taking them on face value. Rather inquire into its falseness, keep inquiring until you end up with Love, unity and blessedness. You want to transform your thoughts into a higher frequency. You do that by 1. Not feeding them as real, watch, observe. 2. Enquire into the nature of consciousness that gives rise to thought forms and content. 3. Love yourself first and above all and enjoy life. 4. See the impermanence of everything. And the only thing that is real is YOU, the one who can watch it all, Pure sentience, reflective consciousness.
All your neurosis will now transform because you are vibrating at the level which is before the neurotic thoughts appear. As you created them, You will dissolve them. You will feel in a place of choice rather than a victim of your neurotic thinking.