Being Ok with me is Enough. December 2015
I visited a past life recently in which I was a man who had acted sexually inappropriately in a community I lived in. I was excommunicated for my bad deeds. I felt incredible shame for what I had done and felt extremely alienated by my bad reputation. For years I travelled alone in fear that I may meet others who may reject me once again. My sense of unworthiness attacked me constantly saying, “You don’t deserve any positive experience in life”.
Many years later after travelling alone, I was invited by a priest to join their spiritual practices. Although I was a novice, I felt just enough relief from my mental and emotional pain that I decided that spiritual practice is the path to internal freedom.
In this present incarnation, I see I live in reaction to that life. In reaction to the feeling of unworthiness, I decided that to survive I must please others by acting according to their wishes becoming who they wanted me to be. This strategy made me feel safe and included, mostly. I learned to adapt easily dependent on seeing myself through the eyes of others. My ego would say, “As long as others are OK with me, I am OK.”
I notice how criticism would appear like a huge threat to my survival. The red flag of potential bad reputation would rise up creating fear of alienation and unworthiness. My ego would say, Listen to the truth in their criticism, adjust your behavior, then you may return to feeling “Others are OK with me and therefore I am OK.” Ego says, “Trust me, I always direct you to your survival. Ego also says, Be a good student, take suggestions and advice to heart and work hard to impress others till you reach your standard of “If Others are OK with me, then I will be OK.”
Recently I noticed an interesting phenomena with a person who seemed to be constantly critical of me. My habit was to keep adjusting my behavior in hopes that they would be OK with me. One day I noticed that I was actually fine with the way I am, even while they were directly criticizing my character. This confused me. I no longer knew how to make them OK with me. I clearly saw that for me, I was truly OK with myself even in the area they criticized the most. My ego so badly wanted to adjust to please this person but the few times I tried, I felt inauthentic. This inauthentic adjustment was the trigger for this person to criticize me even more.
It is a challenge to not listen to the egos survival tactic. It is the egos investment. But I now know If Others are OK with me then I must be OK is a false solution to my original sense of unworthiness. Perhaps Being Ok with Me is Enough is a better solution to practice. The question is Am I OK with me first?? despite the heated projections of criticism? If I am truly OK with me, then I have no thing to change in me, no thing needs to be adjusted. I can only have the power to address a problem in me when I feel there is a problem in me. I do not have the power to fix a problem in me that another sees in me that I do not see as a problem. That problem belongs to the other person. I do not have to own it as mine, or work on it in order to be OK with me.
I can allow others room to express their opinion of me but I can choose to maintain my OKNESS with ME and develop my sense of worthiness from the most authentic place and this place is my Centre of Self. This is my Personal Power. BEING OK WITH ME IS MORE THAN ENOUGH. We need to find the gifts in the strategy’s we use. As we uncover the gifts, we learn to discover our authentic voice. I learned to be adaptable but learning to be myself is the source of well being.